ARIES
You are caught in a GIANT SPACE WEB and no matter how you squirm you can't free yourself. Bummer. This always happens. SPACE SPIDERS spin you in a cocoon and slowly feast on your fluids 'til you are an eviscerated corpse. Maybe though the spiders will be nice this time and invite you to tea. Or maybe next month will be better.

TAURUS
In sharp contrast to many close by, you are unshakably optimistic. Recent events have reaffirmed your faith in mankind. You can see clearly now the rain has gone. You're a regular Pollyanna. Word to your mother - whistling too much is annoying and someone may throw something at you.

GEMINI
Girl! Who did your MAKEOVER? The stylistically impaired art director for that crappy Oregonian insert PS? If your man let you walk out of the house looking like THAT then you better KEEP HIM BECAUSE HE IS DEFINITELY NOT GAY!! But for the love of GODDESS get yourself a full length mirror and USE IT. You better WORK! Something big is coming and you've GOT to look good.

CANCER
I laughed 'til I peed when T.W.O.F.O.T. (The Wise Ones From Out There) told me your future. I guess I shouldn't have laughed. Sorry. But don't worry, things will work out fine and in the end it will all have been for the best. But when I think of the expression on your face when you find OUT! It's so funny I could just spit! I know I'm an evil bitch. But just try to remember that you don't always get the news you THINK you want.

LEO
Lucky Leo has a great big silver NEBULA in her constellation flashing the word "WINNER". But don't run out and blow the child support check on lottery tickets. If I'm right and I'm ALWAYS right your luck has truly changed and you won't need the lottery.

VIRGO
Why is it that when you bust ass and achieve something you had a thousand helpers who did most of the hard work. But if it doesn't get done it's because you didn't do it. No, nevermind. Don't think about it. Just smile and keep working. You're almost there.

LIBRA
Dear Libra, it's OVER! I found someone NEW. Sorry things didn't work out. It's not me, it's you. You've changed. You can keep my stuff except for the handcuffs. If you want to beg me to come back I'll be staying at the HOUSE OF AQUARIUS.

SCORPIO
You must. You can. You will. No other option. Someone needs you.

SAGITTARIUS
This just in from DEEP SPACE: You are EMPOWERED to go out and get what you want. And could you bring me back a glass of water. Forecasting is thirsty work. Oh, and if you see Leo while you're out you should ask for some lucky lottery numbers.

CAPRICORN
THE UNIVERSAL CONFIRMATION HEARING ADJOURNED WITH NO CONSENSUS. Is the goat girl worthy of realizing her potential in 2005 or does she have an undocumented worker somewhere in her closet? THE STARS ARE IN HER FAVOR, but the goat girl is stubborn and self defeating from time to time. Isn't she? Well... isn't she? Stop eating my shoe. Why are you so difficult to communicate with?

AQUARIUS
You are a VERY good girl. And clever too. The way you got your friends to do your work for you shows signs of MANIPULATIVE GENIUS. Of course it goes without saying that if you try to pull that sort of crap with me YOUR CONSTELLATION WILL BE SO OUT OF ALIGNMENT EVEN SUPER ALIEN CHIROPRACTOR WITH ABILITIES FAR SUPERIOR TO THOSE OF HUMANS WON'T BE ABLE TO STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT FOR DECADES. Dr. Nancy don't play that. But because you were such a good girl and did what Dr. Nancy said you can expect a very sweet surprise soon. Open your eyes and look in the mirror. THE GREAT CELESTIAL PLASTICS MAN will briefly remove a layer of illusion.

PISCES
FURTHER FISH TALES: The little fish girl pulled a pearl handled Derringer from her clutch. She turned to her lover and said, "Buy me something." Immediately the lover produced a 6 carat Harry Winston diamond from his pocket. "That won't do," she said. She then leaned over and kissed him passionately on the lips. "Let's stay in tonight," she whispered as she slipped the gun back inside her dark bag. WHAT DOES THE FISH GIRL WANT? WHAT WILL MAKE THE FISH GIRL HAPPY? ALL THE UNIVERSE WANTS TO KNOW.